THERE IS A NEWLY DISCOVERED PLANET ‘THAT SHOULD NOT BE THERE’ NO SERIOUSLY
AND I REPEAT:
THIS IS NOT A DRILL WHOVIANS
THIS IS NOT A DRILL
the best comment in my opinion.
all women were bigger and stronger than you
and thought they were smarter
women were the ones who started wars
too many of your friends had been raped by women wielding giant dildos
and no K-Y Jelly
the state trooper
who pulled you over on the New Jersey Turnpike
was a woman
and carried a gun
the ability to menstruate
was the prerequisite for most high-paying jobs
your attractiveness to women depended
on the size of your penis
every time women saw you
they’d hoot and make jerking motions with their hands
women were always making jokes
about how ugly penises are
and how bad sperm tastes
you had to explain what’s wrong with your car
to big sweaty women with greasy hands
who stared at your crotch
in a garage where you are surrounded
by posters of naked men with hard-ons
men’s magazines featured cover photos
of 14-year-old boys
tucked into the front of their jeans
and articles like:
“How to tell if your wife is unfaithful”
“What your doctor won’t tell you about your prostate”
“The truth about impotence”
the doctor who examined your prostate
was a woman
and called you “Honey”
you had to inhale your boss’s stale cigar breath
as she insisted that sleeping with her
was part of the job
you couldn’t get away because
the company dress code required
you wear shoes
designed to keep you from running
And what if
after all that
women still wanted you
to love them.
what is this
Oh, Anon- no, no! You’re thinking about it all- wrong!
First off, stop comparing yourselves to ants. I mean, ants are magnificent creatures, who’ve lived for millennia with barely any necessity for evolving because their way of life is so efficient, don’t get me wrong— but you- you are not ants! You are human- beings! You are- people!
Alright. Look, say I have a pebble, and I’m standing by a pond, and I want to skip the pebble along the water. Pretend, in this scenario, that the pond represents the larger universe, and the pebble represent a single person - you, even, if you’d like.
So I ready my skipping arm, twist my wrist a little, let loose! And look, there you go!— skipping along the surface of the universe three or four times before finally plopping down.
Pretend, for a moment, that that’s your life span. Birth to death. You think, “Oh, but I only hopped across it three times. A hop, skip, and a jump, Doctor! That’s not significant at all.” Except wait! What happened every time the pebble hit against the water? There was a bit of a ripple effect there, wasn’t there? Branching out away from the centre point of each skip in a circumference that keeps widening and widening, expanding over the surface of the pond.
That is your effect on the universe. You see the results of your immediate actions — the pebble skipping on the water — but you don’t always get to see the broadening effects. You are shaping the world around you. You have a much larger effect on the way time and space contort and form than you could ever realise.
Like the TARDIS, people are so much bigger on the inside. So much bigger than they ever could realise and most of the time ever do realise, and certainly as vast as, if not more vast than, the universe you live in. Blimey, you create entire universes inside yourselves, with your magnificent imaginations and your ability to dream of things so much larger than what your species was originally built for.
Don’t besmirch that. When I say I’ve never met anybody that wasn’t important before, I mean it. And I know for a fact I will never meet somebody unimportant in the rest of my life to come. It’s one of the only things I can absolutely say with complete surety.
Because you’re not ants — you’re giants. Standing tall. And you are, oh!
—You are magnificent.
(THIS DID NOT MAKE ME TEAR UP I SWEAR)
I MLAUGHING BECAUSE OF HER PONY TAIL
IT JUST POPS UP WHAT THE HECK